The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘dumb’

Fill in the Blank – Battlefield 3 Style

I have been playing a fair amount of Battlefield 3 lately. It is a video game where you run around and shoot other players (or the AI if you’re doing single player). Unless you are me, in which case more often than not you are getting shot by other players.

The standard joke is that you are getting crushed by a bunch of thirteen year olds with too much free time. But, according to some articles the average gamer is older. (Common sense also says this … given that I’m a dude in his twenties who plays this game with co-workers.)

Losing in a video game can be frustrating – and my neighbors may think something insane is happening in my apartment. Here’s my guess of what they are thinking.

Me: “WHAT?! I TOTALLY SHOT YOU!”
Neighbor: “Good God, our neighbor is a psycho.”

Me: “HAHAHAHA DUUUUDE! I JUST CRASHED A JET INTO ONE OF THEIR TANKS!”
Neighbor: “Good God, our neighbor is a psycho.”

Me: “ARE YOU SERIOUS!? HOW DID I USE AN ENTIRE CLIP AND NOT HIT HIM ONCE!!!”
Neighbor: “Good God, our neighbor is a psycho.”

Me (just to mix things up): “THESE CUPCAKES I BAKED ARE DELICIOUS!”
Neighbor: “Good God, those cupcakes smell delicious.”

***

Curious why I waste my time playing video games? Sometimes I accidentally do something 1/10th this cool. That is still pretty dang cool.

Lies I Readily Tell to Salespeople

“How would you like to LOOK and FEEL better!?!?!”
“As a hobby, I hate myself, so that would be bad.”

“Excuse me sir … excuse me …”
(Mistake of acknowledging the mall kiosk person exists.)
“Do you celebrate Christmas?”
“Nope.”

(Cute salesgirl approaches …)
“Are you looking for anything in particular?”
“Do you know which section a book by <Insert author that I think she might like> would be?”

“You know that’s a woman’s sweater …?”
“Yeah! Hahaha! … It’s for … My girlfriend … She’s built like me? … Or … Uh … Shoot.”

Attn: Ellen (12/7/11)

Front




Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

The text of the postcard is:

Dear Ellen,

In Germany I was talking with a guy. I told him I was there to, primarily, visit Oktoberfest. He told me, matter-of-factly/with humor, that “Oktoberfest is Mecca for Americans.”

How cool is that guy?

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com

P.S. Sorry this isn’t very funny … in my defense Die Hard is on so I have to watch that.