The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘dumb’

My Zombie Roomy (8/16/11)

Remember when the Zombie was going through a weird weight-concerned phase? Well, it’s back. Only now it’s me who is concerned.

The Zombie has put on a lot of weight, and not like a human would. The Zombie has started carrying a backpack at all times, and it is insanely full. I don’t know what is in that thing but it must be from some fancy backpack shop like REI because how has it not broken?

I tried to look what is inside one time but he got angry and swatted me away. I told him I respect his privacy and wouldn’t look. He responded by offering a dance fight (our traditional Friday night thing if I’ve got no other plans). We danced for a while and I felt a lot better.

Until I noticed the jumbo-sized bottle of Gatorade with a hand in it.

However, I love a good joke, so I took out a bottle of regular Gatorade and said cheers, and the Zombie ate a hand while I drank Gatorade. Dance fights make me so thirsty.

It’s disconcerting how ok I am with the Zombie’s eating habits. I had sworn to myself that I wouldn’t let the Zombie eat in my house but now I allowed him to break that rule. We’ll see how this pans out.

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My Zombie Roomy

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You Can’t Buy Happiness

I’m sitting in my room alone
So alone,
With my as-yet unreleased to the public smart phone.

I’m sitting on my couch alone
So alone,
Deciding which game to play of the many video games that I own.

I’m sitting in my bed so-so alone
So alone,
In my king-size bed with bazillion count sheets that were hand-sewn.

I’m sitting in my kitchen, you guessed it, alone
So alone,
I’m full of lobster and that cake is tempting me but first I’ll eat that scone.

I’m sitting in my luxury car so very alone
So alone,
With my foot on the pedal (tickets are chump change) I’m speeding through this low-speed-limit zone.

I’m sitting in, what room is this, have I been in here before?, alone
So alone,
This mansion was maybe too big for me – the fourteen bedroom villa I should’ve been shown.

I’m sitting in my yacht theoretically alone
So alone,
Minus the crew, and the chef, and the masseuses, my loneliness makes me groan.

Well I’m listening to someone with way more money than me say ‘you can’t buy happiness,’ and I feel alone
So alone,
Because yes, I can’t buy happiness, but at least you can try you marone.

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Du Jour of the Week

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DumbFunnery Doles with the Best, Part I

Dear DumbFunnery,

My girlfriend and I are debating taking our relationship to “the next step” and I’m not sure what she means. I mean, I think she might mean sex, that seems like the obvious thing. But she’s really never said more than “the next step.” I want to have sex, but I’m afraid it might mean marriage. Is it worth the risk?

Madly in Lust,
Des Moines, Iowa

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Dear Madlust,

Holy cow dude. That is really personal. How am I supposed to know? And seriously, you’re writing about your sex life to a stranger? What a weird guy you are.

Hope this helps.

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Dear DumbFunnery,

How do you tell someone you think they smell like cabbage, without coming across really mean?

Hates Cabbage
Sunshine, Alaska

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Dear Cabbage,

This is such a classic problem I’m not even going to address it.

Next time give me a challenge.

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Dear DumbFunnery,

ohm y God. im crying. i am hartbroken how do you get over the luv of your life?

lost wthout love

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Dear … You,

With time.

On a lighter note – your letter conveys clearly that you are stupid.

All the best,
Me

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Dear DumbFunnery,

How do you go about deciding if what you’re doing is worth it? I enjoy what I do, but I feel like

sometimes I’m doing things just to please other people and not at all for myself. How do I even start

with trying to figure out what is best for myself, and others?

Confused and Trying

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Dear C&T,

I’m not a doctor and this is a bit unorthodox but I think your lymph node is swollen. Please get it checked out soon.

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Du Jour of the Week

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