The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘dumb’

JJ Watt’s New Ad

I wrote this last week after the Texans oofta of a loss to the Dolphins … Today they won so the JJ ads were less painful (also I was channel surfing like a champ so that probably helped). Anyhow, this led to a NEW thought – dual ads! One set for when your team is doing well, in which you the celebrity in the ad can be cocky and funny and cool … and the other, for when your team is having an awful season, where you seem apologetic no matter what you are advertising.

Even though the Texans won today … I’m still going to post this because … I don’t have anything else prepared.

Oh ads, you create such natural seeming scenes.

I imagine that if you watch football, you’ve seen and heard quite a bit about JJ Watt. Both from announcers/various sports talking heads and from commercials that he’s in. I live in Houston, so I can tell you that I REALLY see a lot of JJ. I like him, I really do, and the ads aren’t bad. He hasn’t been phenomenal this season, but my expectations for him were a bit high (go figure).

But when you’re watching the Texans get stomped, and then it goes to commercial break and JJ Watt is talking to me about ice cream (for the local grocer HEB), JJ talking to me about Verizon, JJ about American Family Insurance, one KFC ad (the one ad that doesn’t feature JJ), and then you know who talking about Gatorade … Then it’s back to the game where the Texans either fail to do something good (meaning they’re on defense), or they do something awful (meaning they’re on offense) … It can be a bit much.

That’s why I think JJ Watt should do a set of local ads for honey. Some local beekeeper I guess. It’ll just be JJ Watt, in his uniform, in his locker room, and he looks at the camera sadly and says, “got a bitter pill to swallow? Yeah. Me too. Wash it down with this <honey brand> honey. Ok. I’m going to go cry for a bit now.”

Last Minute Halloween Ideas for a Group

It’s Halloween tomorrow, and you know what that means – brilliant last minute ideas from yours truly at DumbFunnery.com, your source for news, weather, celebrity gossip, and fashion advice.

This year I will focus on group costumes.

(You see, I’ve done this in the past as well:

Impressed? Eh, probably not.)

 

Idea 1

Do you have a twin or friend who looks a lot like you? Then have I got the idea for you! Be a glitch in the Matrix! Dress up the same, and whenever you go someplace, one friend will take turns following about 10 seconds behind the other friend. It’s subtle, it’s genius, and it’ll weed out the nerds because only they will get it.

Idea 2

Are you a really big guy, or a small woman married to a big guy? Also, that small woman should be pregnant. Still with me? Great. Be a turducken! The guy will dress up as a turkey, the woman dresses up as a chicken, and you just tell people your unborn baby is a chicken. And you get to spend the night walking around hugging each other constantly. Talk about quality time!

Idea 3

Are you one guy with a bunch of male friends who have been invited to a party but you just don’t know what to be!? Have no fear, my friends. Dress up as sperm! When you arrive to the party, everyone should immediately rush to the fridge and try to get eggs. I don’t know what you should do after you get the eggs, but something comical would probably be best. Also, for added humor, show up to the party early, like before it even really gets going.

Idea 4

Grab a bunch of pals and be … modern art! Separated from each other, you’ll look like just some person wearing plain clothes with splotches of paint all over yourself. But together!, you’ll look like a group of people who are wearing plain clothes with splotches of paint all over yourselves.

Idea 5

Are you a person? Do you have six friends? That’s wonderful! Now rate them in order. No no, of course they’re all equally close, but say only one of them could live – who would it be? Just kidding. Here’s the idea: dress up as the seven deadly sins! What fun! For an added bonus, call people you meet wenches and frumpelstiltskins and hedonists.

Ok friends, there are some great ideas. Have a wonderful Halloween and tweet pictures of the costumes I helped inspire to me @DumbFunnery and I’ll be sure to favorite it (unless you look weird).

Attn: Ellen (10/28/15)

Front

Ellen DeGeneres postcard

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

Ellen DeGeneres postcard

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

If I was Donald Trump I would insist my fans call themselves the Trump-ettes. They could dress up like trumpets and dance like the Rockettes.

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com

Why am I doing this?