The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘humor’

Important Discovery!!

I realized today that any phrase that starts with “hey sailor” ends up sounding like a sexual innuendo.

For example if I asked you, “paper or plastic?” you might visualize yourself at a grocery store. But if I said, “hey sailor … paper or plastic?” You would assume I’m coming on to you.

Note: I should add that whenever I write ‘hey sailor’ in my head it’s my most sultry voice. And what a sultry voice.

Other fun innuendos involving hey sailor:

Hey sailor, white or wheat?

Hey sailor, your shoe’s untied.

Hey sailor, I can’t find my dress socks. Will you help me look?

Hey sailor, wakka wakka wakka …

***

Now. Just as important as this discovery was this secondary discovery. There is NO WAY you can say the word “socioeconomic” and not have it kill the innuendo you were so finely crafting.

“Hey sailor, want to talk about the socioeconomic condition in West Virginia?”

NOPE! Doesn’t work!

***

My challenge to you, dear reader(s) – come up with an innuendo phrase that involves socioeconomic. The winner of the challenge will get a very crappy poem written to/about/for them. The poem will probably not make sense, but it will rhyme.

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Attn: Ellen (4/27/11)

Front


Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

The text of the postcard is:

Dear Ellen,

I’m flying home for a visit! It will be very nice to see the fam in lovely Arizona. Neato, eh?

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com

P.S. The building in the background is an insurance place … hmmm.

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Attn: Ellen

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Exchanges with Recently Awoken Coma-Patients through U.S. History

December, 1620

“Wow you have such beautiful cheek bones!”
“Thank you … I feel so groggy … Was I out long? Where am I?”
“You’re in your … My … Yes, my yard.”
“Oh, it’s very nice. It reminds me of my home.”
“You don’t say.”

July, 1693

“Well, in my professional opinion, witches aren’t real.”
“Whaaaat!? But all those teenage girls in Salem kept figuring out who the witches were!, and it was crazy too because ALL of the witches were people the teenage girls didn’t like!”
“Yeah … I’ll be back later … You just think about that.”

August, 1776

“What do you plan to do now that you’re back in good health?”
“Head back to jolly old England! My beloved home!”
“TRAITOR!”

April, 1836

“What was I saying?”
“You were trying to remember something …”
“Right, well I was trying to remember the Alamo …”
“Excuse me, sorry to cut you off but I suddenly have an overwhelming desire to wear a very ugly hat with some sort of faux-animal thing going on.”
“Would there be a tail attached to this ugly hat?”
“Yes!”

May, 1865

“How do you feel?”
“Ummm … What state am I in?”
“Why do you ask?”
“No reason … Do you prefer the color grey … or the color blue?”
“No! We’re past that! The U.S. is united again!”
“Ah. So you’re an optimist?”

November, 1929

“You were in a coma for a loooong time!”
“Well, glad to be back.”
“Yeah … You won’t be glad soon.”
“What?”
“Nothing. Can I borrow some money?”
“Sure! Easy-come, easy-go, baby!”

December, 1963

“The president’s been killed!”
“Dear God!”
“And you’ve been drafted!”
“Say what now?”

September, 1973

“Willie Mays hit another home run!”
“Wow! What a record he must have! I bet no one will ever break that!”
“I know it! And if anyone does, I bet that person is bad in the sack and also grumpy.”
“Agreed.”

January, 2000

“Happy New Year!”
“Happy New Year!? So it’s Y2K? Did it … Did our fears come true?”
“Are you one of those types that say ‘last people on Earth – oh no! Well, might as well have sex …?’
“We’re both men.”
“So is that yes or no?”

November, 2008

“OJ did it!”
“That murder trial’s been going on this long?”

February, 2009

“We’ve got a black president!”
“Black president of what?”
“The U.S.!”
“The U.S. of what?”
“The United States of America!”
“This does not surprise me in the least. Not one bit.”

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