The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘fun’

Dear Friends and Family

We all make mistakes, don’t we?

I think every one of us regards Aunt Lois with great respect, even though eight years ago she sent money to help a “Nigerian Princess” or some such thing. Why do we still respect her? Because she had pure intentions and overall she has been an incredibly intelligent, kind, and clear-thinking woman.

I bring this up because I feel like I have had my “Nigerian Princess” moment in the form of living in a bomb shelter for the past few weeks, having assumed the Mayans had nailed it, and also having said a few not so fond fair-wells.

First off, a quick apology. My bad! Seriously! I’ll get back to this, but the next thing I want to talk about is my stuff.

Please everyone give me back my stuff.

And sorry if I cursed you out as I gave you my stuff.

Joey, even though you called me a moron, I gave you my TV. Yes, I gave you the TV with the implication that I hoped you would enjoy reruns of Frasier in Hell, but let’s look at that statement.

Overall, it’s positive. There’s hope, I mention a show you enjoy, and I gave you my TV. The only negative part was the whole Hell thing – but, as you and I have debated, we can’t really know if Heaven and Hell exist.

Why would someone not give me back a TV after such a kind act? I don’t know, Joey, but apparently you must have a reason because I still don’t have my TV.

Don’t worry, everyone!, I have good news too! This morning I went to a garage sale where a number of my things  were being sold (uncool, man, I don’t know if we can become friends again after that … but I suppose I would be willing to forgive you for that, if you forgave me for telling your wife she could’ve done better).

Please come back tomorrow for the apologies.

Attn: Ellen (1/30/13)

Front

Ellen DeGeneres postcard

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

Ellen DeGeneres postcard

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

Quick New Year’s resolution update, since you asked, my resolution to wrongly assume un-asked questions and then answer out loud to unwilling audiences is going swimmingly!

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com

P.S. See what I did there? I’ll tell you, what I did was …

P.P.S. See what I did there part two?

Why am I doing this?

Attn: Ellen (1/23/13)

Front

Ellen DeGeneres postcard

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

Ellen DeGeneres lugubrious

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

You know what’s fun? The word lugubrious. It means, “Looking or sounding sad and dismal.”

I think, given how funny the word is, it should mean, “Comically gross phlegm.” Way better! See, I’ll show you: “Ewww, that dude just sneezed and it was all lugubrious!”

Ever serving the English language,
DumbFunnery.com

Why am I doing this?