The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘love’

DumbFunnery Doles with the Best, Part I

Dear DumbFunnery,

My girlfriend and I are debating taking our relationship to “the next step” and I’m not sure what she means. I mean, I think she might mean sex, that seems like the obvious thing. But she’s really never said more than “the next step.” I want to have sex, but I’m afraid it might mean marriage. Is it worth the risk?

Madly in Lust,
Des Moines, Iowa

.

Dear Madlust,

Holy cow dude. That is really personal. How am I supposed to know? And seriously, you’re writing about your sex life to a stranger? What a weird guy you are.

Hope this helps.

.
.

Dear DumbFunnery,

How do you tell someone you think they smell like cabbage, without coming across really mean?

Hates Cabbage
Sunshine, Alaska

.

Dear Cabbage,

This is such a classic problem I’m not even going to address it.

Next time give me a challenge.

.
.

Dear DumbFunnery,

ohm y God. im crying. i am hartbroken how do you get over the luv of your life?

lost wthout love

.

Dear … You,

With time.

On a lighter note – your letter conveys clearly that you are stupid.

All the best,
Me

.
.

Dear DumbFunnery,

How do you go about deciding if what you’re doing is worth it? I enjoy what I do, but I feel like

sometimes I’m doing things just to please other people and not at all for myself. How do I even start

with trying to figure out what is best for myself, and others?

Confused and Trying

.

Dear C&T,

I’m not a doctor and this is a bit unorthodox but I think your lymph node is swollen. Please get it checked out soon.

Category:

Du Jour of the Week

Tagged with:

Attn: Ellen (7/6/11)

Front


Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

The text of the postcard is:

Dear Ellen,

I feel like the signing of the Declaration of Independence may have had the same kind of “next day effect” as being drunk and saying “I love you” to someone. You know, you wake up the next day and say, “wait WHAT did I say?!”

Hope you had a nice 4th of July and didn’t commit yourself to anything crazy.

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com

Category:

Attn: Ellen

Tagged with:

Julius Caesar’s Heart Stopped

Julius Caesar was again aware of where he was.

At first he’d been too shocked. He wasn’t aware of his breathing. Everything moved in slow motion. He realized fifty things at once – he’d been taking life for granted was the main idea behind everything.

Yes. Julius Caesar had his first crush.

Time rushed back to him in a flash and he realized he’d just been staring at that girl. Pure joy flowed through him. He had to fight the urge to run and smile so big it’d hurt. Those weren’t appropriate things to do but they were the limitations of his body. Ideally he’d float, but he had to settle for smiles, sighs and suppressing the desire to shout.

A few weeks later he had his first conversation with her.

A month after that he got to talk to her alone for the first time.

A week after that they went out.

“JULIUS!,” Caesar’s mother yelled. “Where are you going?”

Caesar told his mother something, but he has no idea what he said. His mind was approximately 3,276 steps away, at the front door of her house. He’d counted one time.

When she broke up with him, six days later, he was heartbroken. If his brain had been capable of thoughts other than a muted pain, he would’ve sworn that he’d never love again. He was too broken for making love-sick promises. It was March 15th, and Julius Caesar’s heart had stopped.

And so, many many years later, when Brutus stabbed Julius Caesar, and his heart stopped for the second time in his life, he said, “et tu, Brute?”

***

Happy Ides of March day everyone!

Category:

Short Short Stories

Tagged with: