The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘Weekly Wacko’

Weekly Wacko (66)

Cat-Rap

Something that happens a lot more often than I’d like is having a joke fall flat. This could be because people didn’t hear me (I can sometimes mumble), the joke was not right for the audience (know your audience) or, let’s be honest, because the joke stunk (no comment).

My sophomore year of high school I hung out with my neighbor Ryan a lot. Ryan had a CD of “The Hot Boys.” For a while he was big on playing this CD when we’d drive to Media Play and Krispy Kreme (just your typical Friday night). One of the songs had the following lyrics, “ah-whatcha need boy? [I need a hot girl] ah-whatcha want boy? [I want a hot girl].” The song is called, aptly enough, “I Need a Hot Girl.” It’s on YouTube, you can check out the video for its great lighting … right, great lighting.

One day, my mom and I were the only people at the house. The cat and dog were also around.

The cat meowed.

“Whatcha need, girl?”

Meow.

“Whatcha want, girl?”

In almost perfect synch with the song, my mom had basically duplicated one of The Hot Boys hits, except instead of meowing you’d say “I want a hot girl”/”I need a hot girl.”

Realizing this, I sang loudly, “she wants a hot girrrllll.”

My mom didn’t laugh, but I think my cat and I were at least on the same page, so we laughed about it lots.

***

Go to about 55 seconds in for the brilliant chorus.

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Weekly Wacko (65)

Do These Glasses Make Me Look Stupid?

It turns out that people get glasses for a reason. I don’t know, though, I’m still testing this.

In high school I was involved in you-name-it-I’m-in-it club. This was for the almighty get into a good college nonsense. One of these clubs involved volunteering.

At some point I was signed up to go bag groceries at a grocery store. It was for the March of Dimes. After bagging someone’s groceries I would smilingly say, “I’m bagging groceries for the March of Dimes, if you have any spare change …” Or something along those lines.

I figured bagging groceries didn’t require 20-20 vision, so I left my glasses in my car.

A good friend and I head to the grocery store, it is close to where he lives and he was just as involved in clubs so he figured why not. I am assigned an aisle and I am ready to rumble!

Let’s bring this mess on so I can BAG IT UP!

Unfortunately it is slow-moving that day – hardly anybody is coming through. When people do come through they give me nothing. I may as well have been saying, “I’m bagging groceries for my crack addiction, if you have any spare change …”

During the lulls I debate talking to the clerk. She is a pretty cute girl, I think. Again, not wearing my glasses. But I can be awfully shy and instead look around during the lulls, pretending to be deep in thought.

With about fifteen minutes left a woman comes along and asks for a pack of cigarettes. I stare at her. The clerk stares at me. The woman stares at me. The clerk asks if I will go get the cigarettes (they were behind some counter). I gladly comply – why didn’t they just ask in the first place instead of staring at me! (Like I’m not already awkward enough.)

After I get the cigarettes I come back and hand them to the clerk. She says, “thanks, Brad.”

What?

How does she know my name?

I …

Oh …

Oh no …

OH MAN YOU GOTTA BE FREAKING KIDDING ME!

I dated one girl in high school. It was an odd relationship that ended on a weird note. This clerk, as luck would have it, happened to be my one ex-girlfriend.

I had just been standing FIVE FEET AWAY FROM MY EX-GIRLFRIEND for about … oh … an hour and forty-five minutes … and I didn’t say a word.

I sincerely hope she caught the surprised look on my face and remembered that I ordinarily wore glasses. If it was me I would’ve assumed the worst and thought I was just some horribly mean person who couldn’t even say hello.

Thankfully I left very soon after that.

I don’t think I said anything before I left – too busy yelling at myself for not wearing glasses and doing that community service in the first place and then for walking away without saying goodbye (I started yelling at myself for this as soon as I turned my back and started to walk).

Glasses, huh? They are a tricky friend.

Want another example of a glasses-free bit of idiocy? Click here.

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Weekly Wacko (63)

I saw this and it made me feel bad for not having gone to church in a LONG while … but I found this funny so here goes.

Born Again Comedy

(Let’s hope that in God’s infinite wisdom, he gets my humor, and gets that I’m a big dummy.)

My family was never consistent about going to Church.

I would wake up some Sunday mornings and hide out in my room, not wanting my parents to know I was already awake. I figured my mom might go to wake my brother, sister and I for Church then she’d say, “well … they’re such Angels when they’re sleeping … We’ll go next week.” (note how I used the word Angel – now that’s comedy!).

Despite my best efforts, we went sometimes. Sometimes meaning more than just Easter and Christmas, but we weren’t ‘religious’ about going (the jokes don’t stop, people).

The Churches we attended tended to be pretty conservative generic Protestant. You’d have your Bible and your Hymnal in front of you.

Turn to page 786 in the Hymnal and let us sing …

Then it’d be some boring drawn out song.

I had the impression that if Church wasn’t stuffy, and if you weren’t dressed stiffly – you weren’t respecting God.

***

In 2000 my family moved to Savannah, Georgia.

We attended Savannah Christian Church.

The pastor was fantastic (my favorite ever – though I have to admit I didn’t really start to pay attention to the sermon until around that time, too).

The music was … different.

There was some sort of ‘rock group’ on the stage.

Guitars in Church?

A DRUMMER?!

This was all new to me.

The people around me started singing these pop Christian songs.

“Jesus, you rock my socks off buuuuddddddy!” (I sincerely hope this is not a real pop Christian song – though I would not be surprised if it was.)

And … what’s this? That guy up there is … raising his arms?

Is he going to strangle someone?

Is he a zombie?

What’s happening?

Does God get bad reception in here? And your arms are rabbit ears?

(Note: If there is a Heaven and Hell, and people get to Heaven and they say, “Brad’s not here? He wasn’t that bad a guy I thought …” I’m in Hell because I thought of this joke today. While I was at Church.)

I couldn’t help but look down and grin – a huge, laughter suppressing grin.

Lucky for me my laugh tends to just be a smile (a ninja laugh, as I call it).

This was new to me.

People ‘feeling it’ or what have you. Raising their arms as they sing and closing their eyes. As though God was, through this poorly written pop song, hugging them.

Eventually the songs stopped and the lead singer began to pray.

Meanwhile, one of the guys on guitar kept going.

Does this prayer have a soundtrack?

Had I missed some part of the Bible where God said He loves a good musical prayer?

***

As this is about Church let me now preach and say: Christians, don’t look down on other Christian services. Christianity is all about love for others, so politely disagree, but focus on the love part.

Also, no offense Christian pop. You’re fine, really. I’m really just interested in the sermon anyway.

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