The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘work’

What a Fun Trip!

And then I said “wow what a trip!,” and mom said, “that was a fun trip,” and I thought, “holy cow mom’s on acid!” and she said, “no I’m not on acid I meant the family vacation,” and then she turned into a dragon and ate dad and I thought, “maybe this isn’t a fun trip.”

Uhhh … What?

A guy I work with uses the word “dragon” as a synonym for a problem of any kind.

“Get to work on this and you’ll find some dragons!”
“I bet there’s a whole box of dragons once you get into that.”
etc.

I had a meeting with him and he talked about dragons, and I tried to focus while thinking about my upcoming trip – and voila – that piece of weird up top came out.

Category:

Short Short Stories

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To Joke, or Not to Joke

I’m at a work event where I know very few people. These events can be tough on me because I make little jokes, but people don’t realize I’m joking. Some of the highlights from the last work conference where I had jokes fall flat.

1 – A man is writing on a piece of paper how many years each of us in his class has been working. Then he asks us to count them up to see just how much experience the room has. Clearly, all the years add up to a very large number. Because I want to be funny, I say this …

“I’m gonna say at least 3.”
“Well it’s a little higher than that, keep counting!”

Not only did this not get a laugh, he now thinks I’m incredibly stupid.

 

2 – We are divided up into teams based on some little personality test they have us do. We have to list reason for conflicts with co-workers. The exercise is to show that either every one has the same reasons (communication-oriented probably) or that different groups see different problems … I don’t remember. What I do remember is my failed joke.

“Ok any other conflicts?”
“Dance fights.”
“What?” (This is where I should’ve stopped and said, ‘just kidding!’ but nope.)
“Too many dance fights at work.”
“Uh …”

Had I been clever I would’ve moon-walked right out of that room. Oh and also I would need to know how to moonwalk.

 

3 – I’m looking into the future and seeing this one. This is a brilliant joke I heard a friend tell and I’m going to steal it. The joke is this – you admit with some shame that you can be a little condescending, then you pick one person out and explain to them very obnoxiously, “that means I sometimes talk down to people.”

“Ok, so class, what are some faults you have that you want to work on?”
“Well, I can be a little condescending … (Picking 0ut someone nearby) That means I sometimes talk down to people.”
That guy, annoyed: “I know what condescending means!”

Seriously, this is going to end up happening. And yet I won’t be able to stop myself.

 

4 – Again, future failure. Because I’m surrounding by type-As the word decisive will undoubtedly heard. When I hear this I’ll stop paying attention and hope for my chance to jump in with a joke (it’s obnoxious of me but true).

“Oh I’d say I’m very decisive as well … I think. Or maybe … well I don’t know. Put me down as 50% decisive.”
With derision: “Uh … then you’re not really decisive, dude.”

It’s good to be here.

Category:

Weekly Wacko

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Animal Facts! (Gorilla, Flamingo, Capybara, Kangaroo)

Gorilla

Whenever he’s sad you can bet that these two words will cheer him up: “nudie bar.”

Finds cereal romantically charming.

Dreams of owning an eyeglasses store called, “You Wouldn’t Punch a Guy With Glasses, Would Ya?”

Forgot to read the assignment – but even worse … forgot to come up with an excuse about why he didn’t read the assignment.

Doesn’t do ANYTHING at work. Here’s why: whenever anyone comes up and asks him to do something he says VERY slowly, “I understand what you’re saying … theoretically … but I’m lost in the details. Can we go over it again?” Eventually the person asking gives up.

 

Flamingo

When things get hectic he likes to grab everyone’s attention by yelling, “listen!, LISTEN! … listen?”

Likes to say “Google this” and then point to … it’s not important.

Noble and majestic 90% of the time. The other 10% we won’t get into.

Voted YES on Proposition ‘Replace Yo’ Face.’

Looking back on life, regrets having not more of a ‘je ne sais fromage’ attitude. Also he wishes he knew French.

 

Capybara

When he gets upset he talks to himself – the thing is, he calls himself ‘toots.’

Set Beyonce’s “Single Ladies” song to pictures of the planet Saturn.

Mails himself threatening postcards around Christmas – it’s a holiday tradition.

He’s a know-it-all. And, what makes it worse is that he’s generally correct.

If there was a black, female Bobby Fisher – he would be her soul mate.

 

Kangaroo

Didn’t hear about ‘Where’s Waldo’ books until college, and the first time someone excitedly shouted ‘Where’s Waldo!’ he assumed it was a euphemism.

An old fashioned gun-slinger, but with horribly racist comments instead of bullets.

Considers himself the Fabio of not showering. (This doesn’t mean anything – all you need to know is, if there’s open seating, you don’t want to sit by him.)

Desperately wants to have a friend dating someone from the panhandle in Oklahoma, so he can say, “what’s wrong? Panhandle the relationship?”

Took an online ‘IQ Test’, tried to look up every answer online, and still didn’t ace it. Ouch.

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Animal Facts

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