The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘awkward silence’

Weekly Wacko (52)

Bottle + Emotions = Manliness

Obviously guys aren’t alone in this trend, but they tend to represent it.

Today I was doing some work when one of my boss’s walked up. He stood in the middle of the cube hallway and looked left and right, between myself and another guy. Then he said, “I’m trying to decide who to tell this story to, who would find it funny.”

I turned to give him my attention, so he started telling it.

Apparently every Thursday he does the same order from a pizza place for his daughters. He’ll call up, tell them the order, pay the same price, and wha-la. Last week he ordered and the delivery was really late, which prompted him to call and complain. The pizza place apologized and took five dollars off his order. No biggie. Wellll, the ‘funny’ part of the story is that he called today and again it was five dollars off. My boss figured they entered the five dollars off in a computer and it wasn’t entered as a one-time thing, but accidentally as a permanent thing. He was laughing at, I guess, people’s dependence on computers (an ironic thing for a computer programmer to laugh at I would think).

Anyhow. He was tickled while telling this story and then joking about it with us. I recommended he call and complain a few times, and eventually the delivery guy will arrive with two pizzas and twenty bucks to give him.

The story didn’t do much for me, but I really liked my boss because he did something I (and probably many people) do. He was very excited about something but didn’t necessarily want to talk about it or share those feelings, so instead he was unnecessarily giddy/happy about something that really didn’t warrant it.

His wife was/is in the Philippines and there was a scare for a while because he hadn’t heard from her (for my/whoever’s future reference – there was a hurricane that hit there). Today he got some great news, she’ll be back home tomorrow. Big sigh of relief.

My boss heard this and just kind of wandered around smiling and cracking jokes, trying to find some way to deal with, I would imagine, how relieved and happy he was feeling. I suppose he could’ve bear-hugged random people walking by, but he’s a pretty strong-looking dude and that may have killed some of our older co-workers.

Anyhow – I really enjoy that. I think it’s a common trait and it’s great to see.

Now, here are two little wrinkles to this story.

One, my boss at one point said to someone, “I’m not excited about the pizza, I’m relieved because my wife is coming home.” This ruins my whole being manly and projecting emotions into another story angle.

The other way it was ruined a bit was this hysterical/lame quote from my boss. After saying how relieved and happy he was to get to see his wife again and know she’s safe and it’s good for their daughters and this and that … “Also I get to play golf Saturday!”

Emotions, huh? So complex and golf-oriented.

Category:

Weekly Wacko

Tagged with:

Attn: Ellen (10/20/10)

Front

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

As an FYI, the postcard is from when I went to a Giants game – it was a free giveaway!

The text of the postcard is:

Dear Ellen,

Here’s another baseball fact for you:

Nolan Ryan threw the most no-hitters, physically. But emotionally, it was Barbra Streisand.

Don’t believe me? Just ask Santa Claus.

Sincerely,
One of the best knowers of fake news,
With long goodbye messages,
GetBradStanleyPublished.com

(please?)

Category:

Attn: Ellen

Tagged with:

Space, the Underestimated Frontier

I was browsing through other blogs on WordPress based on tags I like and I found this. It’s a site, microhorror.com, and they’re having a 500 word limit horror-story contest. The theme is ‘space’ … not as in outer space, but as in ‘the physical dimension.’ I’m no good at horror stories, but I started to think – ‘what are scary situations involving space?’ This is what I came up with.

This is kind of a throw-away post. I’m going to have a new computer soon which I’m super jazzed about. Why? I’m going to get a slick video editing program and produce amazingly dumb videos. Even dumber than you’ve already seen – you didn’t know this was possible, did you?

Space, the Underestimated Frontier

It was a dream come true. All the hard work, all the effort, the schooling – It had, after all, been worth it.
He was an astronaut now.
He was taking his first space walk.
“Hey,” the astronaut stopped at the communication, “what’s with your helmet?”
The astronaut looked down to see something that seemed insignificant, a tiny bit of nothingness in the infinitude of space.
There was a small gap in the visor which kept it from closing all the way.

The three engineers who designed the helmet would be saddened and shamed if they knew what was happening – but at the moment they had their own problems.

One of the engineers behind the design of the astronaut’s helmet was having his own problems with space. He was on a date and quite nervous – the proverbial social skills-challenged brainiac.
The engineer was in the middle of a seemingly 15-point turn to successfully park.
“Just park away from other cars, I like walking,” the date said, trying to help.
“Oh … right …,” the engineer managed with a weak smile and a nervous chuckle.

The second engineer had just parked and run inside a gas station.
His bladder had run out of space.
What’s worse – so had the bathroom.
After his quick knocks an angry yell from inside rang out, “gimme a minute!”

The third engineer couldn’t have been happier.
He and his girlfriend were ‘taking the next step’ in their relationship.
He was a smart young man and of course used a condom. A condom that was designed, like the helmet, to not have any gaps.

The astronaut, full of panic and yet curious, said, “so much for that exploding head myth.”
While he chuckled and began looking to solve the problem at hand, his lungs ruptured.

The engineer on a date backed up to find a new spot, and hit a man.

The engineer in the gas station re-lived his worst day in second grade.

The engineer with his girlfriend became a father-to-be.

And some infinite being we can’t comprehend chuckled.

Category:

Short Short Stories

Tagged with: