The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘bathroom’

Awkward Quick Hits

I went to a big meeting and asked a question which was not a question but really more of a complaint about the current setup for the project the meeting was about. Later that day I was walking to the bathroom, and from the other end of the hallway my boss’s boss was also walking there. He said, “you troublemaker!” I laughed and went in the bathroom. Then he came in. We ended up sitting in stalls next to each other … I wanted to either undo  my being in the bathroom or shout, “HERE COMES TROUBLE!”

I was hanging out with a friend, along with her girlfriend and another friend of ours. My friend said something about liking chick-chick flicks. Then she asked if I knew what that meant. I assumed it meant a really girly chick flick, but then something about how she asked made me think – wait, “she’s talking about girl-on-girl porn??” Then, after I mentioned porn, she became embarrassed for me and explained that chick-chick flicks are a romance movie where the two characters who fall in love (not lust) are girls. Whoops.

I went out on the town with some friends and was introduced to friends of my friend with this – “This is Brad, he’s a really crazy dancer.” The response from one guy was, “I can tell by his bone structure!” Later the three of us walked over to a group of girls to try and muster up the courage to talk to them (I talk a big game and say ‘let’s do it!’ then I chicken out). While we’re standing there a girl came up and asked if we had a lighter for her cigarette. We said no, then the friend-of-friend said, “this guy’s dance moves will light a fire though!” Then the two friends and the girl stared at me. I stared back – too much pressure! – and did nothing.  (But that line of his still cracks me up.)

And I’ll end with a brag – I was very proud of this little joke of mine. Two friends of mine and I headed to lunch one day, and when we arrived we got out of the car. There was a construction site nearby and a man was banging something metallic on something else metallic. I said, “that is the worst steel drum band I have ever heard!” (Actually I said that’s the worst Jamaican band I’ve ever heard – but I’ve revised the joke now that I have time and can remember what I intended to say.)

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Weekly Wacko

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De Jour of the Week (1/24/11)

I know I’ve already touched on this – but seriously it’s gross when people don’t wash their hands after using the bathroom. Especially, as one co-worker does, if they’ve just used the stall and don’t wash their hand.

People are Gross

It’s 230 and something’s the matter
And the matter is my bladder

At lunch, free refills on coke? I’ll take another round
My ability to stop could not be found

And now it’s 230 and there’s that pressing MATTER
Yes, it’s my grandpa bladder

Up, up, and away to the little boys room
An ‘accident’ at work would be office-talk doom

There’s Jerry, there’s Bob – the fellas sit a few cubes over
The urinals sing, red rover, red rover, send bladders right over

Sweet relief! I couldn’t be happier
I head to the sinks to clean my hands this day once more

There … goes … Jerry?
That stinking, disgusting, I never want to share a stapler, printer, office with … Jerry.

Homeboy doesn’t even LOOK at the sink!
He checked himself out in the mirror, but all I see is a fink.

And Bob. Oh, Bob. He rinsed his hands then ‘touched up’ his hair
(Though to be fair, let’s be honest Bob, there’s not much there)

Bob, it’s called soap
Learn it, live it, love it, you dope

Bob, you disgust me
Urine is gross, Jerry

Oh – I hadn’t even noticed Doug in the stall
And now Doug’s glancing at the mirrors … don’t tell me that’s all

I’ll end the poem here –
I’ve made my point clear

People don’t wash their hands, and that’s a fact
So the next time you go to shake hands, consider a retract

Ladies, and fellas, if you catch someone not washing their hand
Wait til they’re in public, then reprimand, reprimand, reprimand.

Category:

Du Jour of the Week

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Idea

Problem:

There are lots of retired folks who are probably making next to nothing, and they have too much free time.

Problem:

Many guys (probably girls too) don’t wash their hands after using the bathroom.

Solution:

One day a month, an unannounced day, a little old lady will sit in the woman’s bathroom and a little old man in the men’s. When someone tries to leave the little old lady or man will SHOOT the dirty person with a paintball gun.

Thus, the dirty folks are known throughout the world.

Final Result:

You know who not to touch. Also, I giggle.

Secondary Final Result:

I get made fun of for being a 26-year old man giggling in the corner of a bathroom.

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Uncategorized

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