The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘Racist’

Quotes of the Day!

About a year ago when I was in Georgia and Florida to try and see a NASA launch (and another post here) I saw this book.

You’re a Horrible Person, But I Like You. How could I resist? The book is a series of oddball advice column type questions, with responses from various famous funny people. Here are a few selections which made me laugh (I won’t be providing context, but the context is often nonsensical anyway so it doesn’t matter).

The book definitely has some laughs, but it wasn’t as funny as I’d hoped.

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As for putting dinner on the table – let’s not sugarcoat this. You’re going to be living on roadkill. My advice would be “Always remove the squirrel’s tail.” That’s a memory of cuteness you do not want to conjure up as you raise the stick toward your mouth.

The better question is, “What happens before you die?” That’s where we run into most of the problems.

What’s that old saying? “Advice is like opinions. Everyone’s an asshole.”

Embrace it. Get an ironic RACIST T-shirt.

Let me be clear up front. Your letter reminded me why I hate all sitcoms about groups of friends. Now back to you. I must admit you sound like a really great friend.

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Quotes of the Day!

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Did You Know – Excrement Edition

Sometimes if someone is very angry they might yell that something is bull shtuff (that’s edited, dontchya know). Well, Mr. Angry-Yelling-Pants, I bet you didn’t know that you can cite other animals excrement to convey other feelings.

Bull Isht –                      Anger
Old Man Isht –              Confusion
Dragon Isht –                Happiness
Steven Segal Isht –     Bloated
Chicken Isht –              Anger, with a hint of amusement
Dinosaur Isht –            Consternation over taxes
Old Lady Isht –            Desire to hang out with kids, and possibly give them 14 cents
Racist Isht –                  Kill whitey

Do you know of any other telling forms of shtuff? Post them in the comments!

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Du Jour of the Week

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Animal Facts! (Gorilla, Flamingo, Capybara, Kangaroo)

Gorilla

Whenever he’s sad you can bet that these two words will cheer him up: “nudie bar.”

Finds cereal romantically charming.

Dreams of owning an eyeglasses store called, “You Wouldn’t Punch a Guy With Glasses, Would Ya?”

Forgot to read the assignment – but even worse … forgot to come up with an excuse about why he didn’t read the assignment.

Doesn’t do ANYTHING at work. Here’s why: whenever anyone comes up and asks him to do something he says VERY slowly, “I understand what you’re saying … theoretically … but I’m lost in the details. Can we go over it again?” Eventually the person asking gives up.

 

Flamingo

When things get hectic he likes to grab everyone’s attention by yelling, “listen!, LISTEN! … listen?”

Likes to say “Google this” and then point to … it’s not important.

Noble and majestic 90% of the time. The other 10% we won’t get into.

Voted YES on Proposition ‘Replace Yo’ Face.’

Looking back on life, regrets having not more of a ‘je ne sais fromage’ attitude. Also he wishes he knew French.

 

Capybara

When he gets upset he talks to himself – the thing is, he calls himself ‘toots.’

Set Beyonce’s “Single Ladies” song to pictures of the planet Saturn.

Mails himself threatening postcards around Christmas – it’s a holiday tradition.

He’s a know-it-all. And, what makes it worse is that he’s generally correct.

If there was a black, female Bobby Fisher – he would be her soul mate.

 

Kangaroo

Didn’t hear about ‘Where’s Waldo’ books until college, and the first time someone excitedly shouted ‘Where’s Waldo!’ he assumed it was a euphemism.

An old fashioned gun-slinger, but with horribly racist comments instead of bullets.

Considers himself the Fabio of not showering. (This doesn’t mean anything – all you need to know is, if there’s open seating, you don’t want to sit by him.)

Desperately wants to have a friend dating someone from the panhandle in Oklahoma, so he can say, “what’s wrong? Panhandle the relationship?”

Took an online ‘IQ Test’, tried to look up every answer online, and still didn’t ace it. Ouch.

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Animal Facts

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